So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
