Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
