dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize