the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
