so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
