I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i out mim tonsoeep
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