How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
