yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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