You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
