He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
