i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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