FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
