there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
