He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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