I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i love accidental penises.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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