haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
