He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
