He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
