I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
