We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
