Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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