I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
