my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
