my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
