"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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