I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
