Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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