Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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