he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
