I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
