I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
