Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
high people should be assigned attendants
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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