I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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