Porn is love you can see.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
