We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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