We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
