so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
How does it feel to date your dad?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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