I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
