The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
