Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
