"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
