Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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