i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
