Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
