If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
