That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
