Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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