He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
