So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
