I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
