The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
