when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
