hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
