just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
