We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
