And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
