totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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