I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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