Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize